Much an impulse...

I hate douchebags. That's why I try my best not to be one. But then when I see myself being so nice to people, they prefer to take advantage of me. In Chinese, the saying goes 人善被人欺, and you know that's absolutely true. But doing good in this evil world is just ironic, that it seems evil things are becoming more and more a conformity. And it absolutely pains my heart when people out there calls me a 'friend'. I don't know to feel angry at myself for being such an idiot, or feel sad that I didn't do enough. Like what Jay Chou sang, “你是友情，還是錯過的愛情？”

I hate him even more now

Looking at pictures of the two of you together makes me happy for you but all the more jealous of him. I can't help it that my heart likes you. But I could have stopped myself from looking at your photos. Why the fuck am I so stupid.

Now I just feel fucking terrible inside. I want to rip my heart out. Scream my lungs dry.

And if you see this you will just hate me won't you. Fuck. I'm so messed up. I want to live a life without regrets. But here I am, regeretting every single decision I have made in life. Fucking failure. Bloody retard. One day my life better fucking change for the better. Extreme moods will kill me but if I let it all be cooped inside I will just implode from the heart.

I feel better but I still hate that fucker. Oh god.

Can't stop...

Thinking of you whereever I go. It's not like I purposely want to think of you, you just subconsciously enter my mind. I try my best not to dream about you, but I just can't stop. It's as if I want you inside my mind.

And I shouldn't even be doing this. You have someone that you love, who am I to hold a place in your heart? Even though I hate him like shit and I think he's an ass, if you are happy with him, I really can't say anything.

Secretly, I want you to just stop liking him. But then again I have somebody else that I consciously like, and I think you are this girl that I am subconsciously attracted to.

But why oh why am I doing this. I should be studying for my A's. I really want to be on stage next year with my 6A's. But can I really do it? I will not limit myself anymore, I am going to let myself go all out and just chase this dream and turn it into reality. We can do this. And after I get 6A's, I will go after you, girl whom I consciously like.